Well the diagnosis is final: lung cancer with a side order of brain lesions and liver tumors.
He is being treated with a palliative regiment - though, 'regiment' seems the wrong word for anything palliative. I am still feeling the shock in places that I can't manage to still; heart strings are made out of some tough animal skin because the vibrations last long and bounce off all other organs.
All I could do today was go shopping at Pacific Place Mall - way on the other side of town - up and over. I needed to drown this feeling of loss and sadness with something quite opposite - a little bit of consumerism goes a long way. But at least it wasn't filthy consumerism - that comes tomorrow. Food and school supplies; plastic baskets and a fish bell (I will have a picture for you soon I promise).
Let's swim further out from this feeling of 'water dark' because I don't have the vocabulary to discuss the wave that is again preparing itself to swallow my family. Out to sea for too long it has decided to take out our whole village. Nothing of this proportion has been seen since the summer of 2000.
So, swimming further, to safe cool waters of food and walking for hours. No muddy sea weed or rocks to slice the smooth cool pads of my feet. Just water to bounce in and out of my shorts which have ballooned around my big thighs. (My body is magic - big thighs no matter what I do).
What have I eaten?
Well community foods is a great little place, with a yummy (if not expensive and unrevolving repitoire of salad greens, cucumber, mango chutney, chick peas and soups/chillis). I am curious to try the vegan carrot cake - it looks as though I may have a place to run when the weather darkens out in Hamilton.
What else have I eaten? - I have been juicing like crazy - lots of carrot/apple/ginger combos, and eating fresh salads and fruit. Mostly homemade stuff to be honest. And avocados....I have been crazy for those butterish green buggers. Don't know what has gotten into me of late -but I want a million of them most of the time.
Today's meal (which I allowed myself to purchase out of the house, despite my tight budget until my first pay cheque) was rather disappointing.
Pacific Place seemed in my dreams to be a great choice for sushi....but alas, the not-so-japanesse, tupai wearing man wasn't the iron chef I needed him to be (esp. tonight...I had planned on drowning my sorrows in wasabi and rice wine).
The SMALL avocado roll and vegetarian rolls were just that - small. Small in taste, size and aesthetic appeal. The styrofoam take away containers did even less in the fight to save this place in my eyes. Nothing doing - down for the count. Yuck. and more yuck.
The cereal and cherries I enjoyed whilst typing up my unit plans were much more satisfying fare.
Headed to the university today to check out the library - oh oise friends...how we complained about our seemingly homely library - we had it wrong...dead wrong (sing the last part of that sentence to the music of joan jett's I love Rock and Roll) this library was A ROOM...just one wee room. Unreal. But their overall digs were much cooler than the hellish structure of windowless u of t. But so are the bathrooms in most Chinese rail stations. Most.
I also have to take the time to give it up to two really cool people.
1. the girl in starbucks who asked me if I wanted my soya milk warmed up before adding it to my chai tea. thanks!
2. KATHY MCKALE - this woman is a really cool principal who chatted with me for about 20 minutes in chapters. She gave me some great ideas, some wonderful resources to hunt down and a really positive affirmation about my career choices.
Well that is about all for me.